Family 6 years ago My {Failed} Fourth Trimester Plan
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I had this long blog post pre-written about my plans for my fourth trimester and how holistic and calm it would be.
My plan was to basically do nothing but lay around with June, eat warm soups, take long showers and really soak in my postpartum bliss. I had a whole 7-step process about disconnecting, cooking healthy meals and not leaving my house for weeks on end. Healing was my goal and I was looking very forward to lounging around the house and focusing 100% of my mind, heart, body and soul on healing June and myself. I even had other pictures that I pre-shot of me sitting bed sipping on tea, looking very peaceful and healthy. Ha!
I’m going to get real honest, real quick.
I am going crazy.
Today marks 6 weeks since I gave birth to June and it feels like a year. The best 6 weeks, the hardest 6 weeks and the most rewarding 6 weeks of my life. I knew that once June was born that my go-go “doer” attitude would have to come to a quick halt so I had to really sit down and think about what that transition would look like. As a 35 year old woman, I have a very strong handle on running my business, keeping up with family, friendships and maintaining a healthy relationship with my husband. Bouncing from a 5-hour shoot to a spinning class followed by dinner with the girls to then hop on a red-eye flight to NYC was a no-brainer for me in my pre-pregnancy days.
So when faced with the idea of literally sitting home, doing nothing but resting and healing from our birth, I was quite nervous and genuinely questioned my ability to do it without going mentally crazy. And guess what, I was starting to feel truly depressed. Every single day I feel/felt like a part of me is missing. I don’t know if it’s because of the new empty space in my body or perhaps that I’m still wrapping my head around the fact that a large part of me no longer exists – the “pre-baby” part of who I am. All of the things I held so near and dear to my heart – my time, my body, my desires – are now {happily} sacrificed for the well-being of my daughter. The “me me me” has been replaced with “we we we.”
The truth is that this change does not happen with the flip of a switch. It’s not like one day you just become a Mom and everything clicks into place. It is a process and it takes time to transition. I wanted to take an opportunity to talk about this, because I feel like it’s something that many people neglect to be honest about.
In hindsight, 6 weeks is not a long time at all. But when you are waking up to face a day that is filled with sadness, angst, anxiety and confusion, again, 6 weeks can feel like 1 year. Knowing my mental health would be an issue, Grant has been very aware and offering support in any way possible. Each morning, he would watch June in the morning to give me time to shower with the intent of setting a positive tone for my day.
Every morning, the walls felt like they were caving in on me and even the idea of breathing felt like climbing Mount Everest.
What have I done? What did I get myself in to? I am in WAY over my head here. Wait, can I go back to my old life? No, don’t be silly, I love June more than anything in this world. I would die for her. What about me? I am such a failure. I will be a horrible mother. Now, now, you can do this! Stop thinking about yourself, Jacey, you are so selfish! What is wrong with you?
These are only a small handful of the thoughts that raced through my head in the first week or two postpartum. About two weeks into my fourth trimester, I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor, eyes teary, and coming to terms with the fact I needed to do something. For the sake of my sanity, I hit reset on my whole fourth trimester plan of doing nothing and started to map out a revised version that would fit my personality type and needs.
I immediately started to schedule. And I do not mean schedule my days away from June with appointments, calls or meetings. I didn’t rush to the grocery store or beat myself up over not doing a load of laundry that day. First, I scheduled an appointment with my therapist who I hadn’t seen in over one month. Secondly, five days after that, I signed up for a postpartum support circle at WMN Space. I also scheduled in daily walks with Grant and June around our neighborhood. Lastly, I sat down with Grant and we mapped out our days so that we both get “alone” time without truly being alone or away from the house. This means that one of us takes June while the other gets some time to do things like read a book, take a shower, write a blog post {like this one!} or go have happy hour with a friend {thank you Catt!}. We also carve out at least 20 minutes in the day to sit down with each other for a check in on how the other person is doing. Lastly, we put a few things on the calendar for us to work toward as a goal. We ventured out to our first dinner, took June on her first outing, took Polly on a one-on-one walk and scheduled our first road trip with June to Palm Springs. This was a game changer for me because I absolutely LOVE to plan.
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I’ve started to also create mini schedules for myself.
Something as simple as making a list of my day: 11am Shower, 12:30 Make Lunch, 3pm Walk with June, 6pm Spend time on Pinterest – has had a tremendous positive impact on my mood.
Outside of Dr’s appointments and an occasional lunch date with Grant, it feels like I can be productive without exhausting myself or sacrificing time with my family right now. Just making a few minor adjustments to how we approach our days has made such a large difference in my mental state. I am now able to stick with my original plan of taking time to bond with June, and heal, during our fourth trimester while also continuing the things are cathartic for me, such as writing and planning things.
The fourth trimester is a very crucial time for the baby to adjust to the world outside of a woman’s womb. There are enormous changes and developments that occur, from refining her senses to controlling reflexes and adapting to the world. But while the majority of parents and people are “oohing” and “aahing” over the endless needs for the newborn baby, a lot of people in the United States are not acknowledging the extreme adjustment that is also expectant of the mother. There is a literal void in her body and many women are emotionally highly vulnerable, experience confusion, anxiety and deep despair.
After one of my dear friends gave me the {best} gift of the The First Forty Days, I kind of dove head first into researching and learning more about what all I could do to prepare myself for the best possible recovery ever. As someone who battles with depression, PTSD and OCD issues, I wanted to make sure to do everything I possible could that was within my control of setting up a healthy environment for myself, June and my relationship with Grant during our fourth trimester. It might seem pretty obvious for some, but staying home, cuddling up and and truly take care of myself is quite a mental challenge for me.
But as much advanced planning as I tried to do, nothing prepared me for the wave of emotions I have felt over the past few weeks.
I was still left sitting on the bathroom floor feeling all of the postpartum blues that I had always dreaded. The reason I am writing this down is not only because it is how I process things as they are happening {I love to write}, but I want to share my story in hopes that if one of you is reading this and going through a similar postpartum experience to know that you are not alone. Every feeling, every thought and every tear is completely “normal” and you are not the first, or last, Mom who has experienced this. My #1 piece of advice for anyone who is having a hard time handling the emotions that come along with becoming a Mom is to seek out a support system. It can be the hardest thing to do, admitting that you have these thoughts, but I promise that the minute you open up about them you will feel a heavy weight lift off your shoulders.
Seeking support has helped me become a better version of myself, so that I can be a better Mom for June.
My biggest take away from sharing this experience is that there is no “right” way to experience your fourth trimester. While truly turning off social media, taking time off work and soaking in every moment of the fourth trimester works for so many, it isn’t the right recipe for all. I was really beating myself up over the fact that I couldn’t “DO” the fourth trimester the right way until I threw the rule book out the window and made our own rules. We haven’t looked back since and as a result I’m feeling happier and healthier than ever before.
Now here I am – I made it to the 6 week mark!!! As I’m slowly amping up to get back into work I can honestly say that I’m feeling rested, nested and ready to face the world as a new “me.”
Have any of my fellow Moms out there gone through a similar experience? What steps did you take to ensure you were taking care of yourself during the postpartum period? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!
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