Mental Health 6 years ago My Fear of Flying {And How I Fight It}
The door to the classroom opened and my heart leapt with anticipation over the note that was being handed to my teacher from the front desk, “Jacey, your parents are waiting for you at the front.”
Hurriedly, I collected my backpack and raced toward the door. I had been looking forward to this day so much that I planned out my entire outfit: a navy blue blazer with a pin on the chest and a white t-shirt tucked into light wash denim. I paired it with a brown belt, brown loafers and a half-pony tail pulled so tight that my eyes felt like they were popping out of my head.
The airport felt shiny and bustling. I remember thinking to myself, ‘these people are going places in life.’ My parents’ seats faced my brother’s and mine. There were ashtrays along the windows and a card table that pulled out in the middle of our seats, where midway between Corpus Christi and Las Vegas, we played cards. I will never forget that flight, my first flight; I was 8 years old.
Through the bumps of life, news and the ruining of innocence, I found myself many flights and many years later, developing a fear of flying. It was so bad that for many years I found myself driving to Texas from college in Chicago two times a year to avoid flying. The drive would take nearly 24 hours and one night on the road. I would also find myself de-boarding a few flights just before the main door closed, racing out as if I was gasping for air on the other side of the door.
As a young adult, I found a very easy way to cope with my ADD diagnosis along with PTSD from other life experiences which was to master the art of control. Certain that I would die in an airplane crash, I chose to cope with this fear the same way I had coped with many other fears in life. I chose to take control. Rather than be afraid of flying, I decided to learn how to fly the damn plane. Toward my senior year of college, I took just over 20 hours of solo pilots lessons and slowly my fear dissipated. I started taking flights home from college instead of driving and my brother and I took our first ever trip to Europe together; I considered myself cured.
That was until last week.
We sat in 21 F and E watching ‘Lady Bird’ as a few light bumps hit the plane somewhere between LAX and Honolulu. Bumps never bothered me much before. “Just bumps in the road,” I’d tell myself. But then, out of nowhere, the airplane seemed to lose control. It is quite hard to explain exactly what happened, but as someone who flies a lot {this was my 48th flight in the past year} I can tell you that it was not normal. We dropped maybe 500 feet or so as the plane took a nose dive and started to pivot. I grabbed my laptop as it started to fly off the table and slammed it shut in my lap. The back end of the plane went left while the front went right. It felt like the downhill part of a rollercoaster and before I even had time to feel sick, my hand was clinched around Grant’s with zero time to comprehend what was happening. The plane felt dizzy, passengers were screaming and the energy was chaotic. A few minutes passed, maybe it was seconds, but somehow we miraculously leveled back out and were hitting more bumps.
My heart sank and nerves rose. As the entire cabin let out a collective sigh, anxiety remained in the air in fear that it would happen again. Minutes passed, bumps smoothed a little, and I started to panic. We were smack dab in the middle of our flight, the longest point of no return, with 3.5 hours to go. The fear that rose in me was the greatest fear I have ever had in my life. I was afraid we were going to die and there was nothing I could do about it. I had absolutely no control over the situation and I didn’t know if we were okay, if there was more turbulence that lay ahead or what in the hell caused the episode we had just experienced. My heart was beating thick in my chest and as I was shaking badly, my hands plugged my earphones in to my iPhone. Deep breaths, EMDR taps {left, right, slowly, left, right}, deep breaths and Satie blasting in my ears. “You are going to be okay Jacey…” I kept repeating to myself.
I want to insert a side note here: The crew on Hawaiian Airlines did not do anything to make the passengers of flight #3 from LAX to Honolulu on March 9, 2018 feel safe after this happened. The pilot came on the speaker once after it happened and said something along the lines of “We hit some unexpected turbulence… and uh… there’s supposed to be some bad stuff ahead … and” He just stopped talking. There was no explanation or reassurance. Neither the pilots or the flight attendants did anything to make us feel safe. It was highly disappointing. When we landed I looked at the report and we were off the radar for a total of 7 minutes during this episode. 7 minutes. Off the grid. No explanation.
Spoiler alert: We lived. Kidding. Bad joke. All jokes aside, this was one of the most traumatic experiences I’ve ever had. I found myself during random parts of my vacation getting flashes of “I don’t want to die” on my mind. I would be doing random things like running on the treadmill and have a short moment of panic. It is a sickening feeling for someone who feels like she has just started her life. I’ve been giving this a lot of my thought since it happened, trying to sort through the emotions and as of today here is what I’ve come up with…
Did you know that flying is oddly the safest mode of transportation? The odds of a plane crash are 1 in every 1.2 million flights, versus your chance of dying in a car or traffic accident at 1 in 5,000. Statistics aside, if you’re going to die, you are going to die. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but there is really nothing we can do about it. I don’t know about you, but I refuse to stop living my life because of a fear. Even if it means experiencing that flight all over again, I think I would do it if it meant I could travel. I love to travel. I love to seek the outer most parts of our world, find beauty in hidden coves and explore places that I only dreamed of as a child.
It’s a risk, in life there are many, but the reward is oh-so sweet. As I am still recovering from the trauma of this trip, I am also still flying. The day after we returned from Honolulu, I boarded a plane to Chicago. If you think about it, given the fact that I’ve boarded 48 planes in the past year and have only had 1 scary incident, it’s pretty wild. Just like any fears people have, my fear of flying is ongoing and over the years it takes on different forms. Facing fears is a long battle and sometimes when you think you have overcome something, life has a funny way of reminding you that you have another hurdle to cross.
Other helpful articles
Here are some tips on calming down from an anxiety attack:
- Listen to classical music that is calm and soothing.
- Give yourself a hug. Wrap those arms around yourself and slowly squeeze or tap: left to right, left to right.
- Take deep, slow breaths. When we are panicked, our breath shortens and does not allow oxygen back into the brain.
- Assure yourself that everything is going to be okay. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend.
I know many of you suffer from a fear of flying and that fear is very real. I’ve linked to a few books that I hear help and I would love to hear how some of you have coped with this fear.
Here are a few books that touch upon the subject.
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