Damsel Diaries 9 years ago Birthday Blues
Traveling alone is made easy with my Beats Pill continuously blaring tunes and travel candle burning scents from home. The song “Going Gets Tough” echoes through the room and I hear a ghost of a voice. “The pace is not a cat walk pace, it’s a walk in the park after a party at 5 a.m.,” said firmly with a thick British accent. Just over a month ago, I sat backstage at the Thom Browne Show watching the choreographer explain to the models the overall style and aura of the show before it began. The models walked with a somber and slow mood, yet had a little smirk to the beat of their step and smile. I cannot believe that this was only a month ago. It feels like it’s been years.
The sun slowly rises, providing a blanket of warmth to the faces of giants that scrape the skies of New York City. The golden glow bounces off the buildings and kisses my cheeks as I sit, perched on the 24th floor of the EDITION Hotel in Flat Iron. My birthday is 3 weeks from today and I cannot believe I am turning another year older. Meme always says that “age is just a number” but for some reason I’m really feeling this year’s birthday a bit more than others. It is, by no means, a “big” birthday year for me. But I’m feeling it nonetheless. My inner voice barks at me that I’m being too hard on myself, but then again I credit that same inner voice for being the thing that’s gotten me to this beautiful perch above New York City to begin with. What an incredible year it was.
As part of my quarter life crisis phase that I’ve been battling for 3 or so years, I have been tossing around the idea of “gifting” myself a solo trip somewhere remote, someplace “Eat, Pray, Love” style where cell phones are not allowed & talking is forbidden. I’ve found some pretty nice options, ranging from Eleven Directions in India to the more extreme Wat Suan Mokkh in Thailand. Of course, there are plenty retreats like these in California but naturally I believe that in order to find my “zen” I need to be far, far away from the familiarities of home {typical Jacey}. The thought of escaping also enters my brain as I fear that 2 days in I’ll want to give up so the further away, the better. After all, the only experience I have with meditation were the few minutes I spent downloading “Headspace,” the 10 minutes a day meditation app on my cellphone. Needless to say I couldn’t get through the first session. I wanted to skip ahead to the specialized sessions on relationships, addiction, etc… I deleted the app and about a month later started researching “Best Meditation Centers in the World.”
My eyes blink for the first time in what feels like years. Without realizing it, I had zeroed in on the neighboring buildings adjacent floor at the worker bees buzzing around the office. Per my usual game, I run scenarios through my head as to what their lives look like. It’s almost like I’m looking into a fish bowl or game of Sims. I make up stories in my mind as to who may be dating whom, which person is stressed because they’re hosting a dinner party that evening and which guy is thinking about quitting his job. Before you know it, I’ve created an entire storyline surrounding these strangers that I stare at from across the sky. And for the first time in a long time, my mind wasn’t truly quiet, but it was at ease. Maybe I don’t need to go to Thailand or India to find my zen. Apparently all I need is a quiet window on the 24th floor.
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